Not too long ago, I have had a rather insightful conversation with one of my closest friends. I needed some advice on a challenge that I was personally struggling with. Now, I won’t be sharing what it exactly was about.. and I don’t think it is crucial to this article either. But the point is, we can’t carry the weight of the world on our shoulders.
As some of you may know, I have been a people pleaser for the longest time. Always looking after others to make sure they themselves are alright.. that everyone is getting along.. and that conflicts are avoided. I used to view that conflict generates friction, and that friction caused damage to this imaginative thread that connects one person to another. Little did I know, at that time however, that I could not be further from the truth.
Now, this characteristic was developed over time due to the environment in which I grew up. So, I was thinking, if I am struggling with this, it would be likely that there are others who are facing the exact same challenge. See, I know how difficult it is to bring up a sensitive subject like this, especially if you don’t have someone whom you can trust and confide in.
What is the reason that we tend to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders?
Carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders means that you make other people their problems your very own. Now, this may sound odd at first. For example, you would not feel the building pressure from your co-worker’s boss, for the simple reason that you don’t work in the same company. However, because of your empathy and willingness to help other people, you subconsciously take ownership of said problem. Funny enough, we justify this behaviour by saying that we ‘care’.
Please don’t get me wrong, care is not a bad thing. It is still something that humanity could use so much more of. However, the extent to which we do care can get a little overboard. For those of you who work in hospitality, I think you know exactly what I mean. And kudos to you, if you can relate.
The want to help does not mean that we have to take responsibility for other people their problems. Should you do so, you would bring an additional amount of physical, mental, and emotional stress to the baggage that you are already carrying yourself.
Also, if we can be completely honest, no one is responsible for what happens in our lives other than ourselves. Often enough, we think we know people, and have the expectation that they will take a part of the responsibility on their plates. Here’s a newsflash for you, they won’t.. at least, no one in their right mind would.
What exactly happens when we take ownership of other people their problems?
You see, when we take ownership of the problem, we try to come up with a solution for a situation that we are personally not involved in or affected by. Though we may have a strong sense of empathy, we can never fully understand the perspective of the person whom you try to help. You will experience an increase in the strenuous psychological load, because you are piling up another suitcase to the already existing amount of luggage that you’re carrying, figuratively speaking of course.
With the psychological load manifesting itself in the body, mind, and soul, you will experience lesser amounts of spendable energy to be used on your own challenges. Sure, your battery may get recharged over time. However, do keep in mind that your own battery has its own limitation and recharge times.
A common pitfall is when things don’t end as you expect them to. When you have tried your best, and have given it your all, and you still haven’t managed to find the solution, we consider it as a failure. You may be asking “But it wasn’t even our problem to start with…”, and I understand what you are trying to say. However, as you have psychologically taken ownership of the issue, you experience it as your personal problem, even if it still is not. Your manifestation, your reality.
So, how can we help other people without losing ourselves in the process?
Other people can help you bounce back ideas and insights to overcome your challenge, but you are the one who has to put in the work. Nobody can give you the answer you are looking for. The answer has always been inside of you. You just need to explore and find it within. I almost sound like Master Shifu from Kung Fu Panda there…
In the end, what I am trying to say is that we cannot and should not allow ourselves to take responsibility for other people their problems. The additional physical, mental, and emotional load from one person may still be something manageable. However, when we consistently do this with everyone around us.. everyone that we genuinely care about.. we ourselves will crumble under the proverbial weight of the world.
The person who you should put on first place.. numero uno.. pole position, is yourself. Certainly, you can help when someone asks you for assistance. However, don’t forget that you also need to be in a good place.. a healthy state of mind, in order to be available for the other person.
You may or may not have heard of the aphorism. For some of you, you may have never heard it before. Or you may have heard it, but never bothered to find out what people actually meant by it. Whichever the case may be, I want to share my thoughts with you on this aphorism, and why I think that you cannot and should not make it your baggage. After all, holding a gallon of water above your head for several minutes may already give your shoulders that fiery sensation that nobody in their right mind would enjoy.. imagine carrying the world…