In our previous article, called: “Assertiveness: How standing up for yourself helps you to stay grounded and stand out”, we covered what assertiveness is, the importance of it in our lives, and what would happen if we don’t have it. If you haven’t read it yet, we would highly recommend you go through that article. This way, we will all be on the same page before making our next move, which is identifying the various ways to become more assertive, and help you to take control of your own development.
The tips that we give here are a collection of advises from other sources, and from our own experiences. Some of these tips may be easy for you to understand, while some of them may not resonate with you instantly. However, when you face the latter, take a moment to think how it relates and would impact your personal development.
- Really understand what it means to be assertive;
- Clearly state what you think, how you feel, and what you want;
- Understand that it is alright to agree to disagree;
- Become the self-confident person you have always wanted to be;
- Learn the art of curiosity, to learn something new, and master it;
- Obtain the aura of positivity;
- Get yourself organised;
- Start saving your money;
- Start with small wins;
- Realise that those who genuinely care about you will stay.
1. Really understand what it means to be assertive
Before you even think about start implementing any of these tips, we want to make sure that you understand exactly what you are doing it for. This is not something for us to preach that you should be doing just to become more assertive, but this is solely for you to understand yourself better and go through this development with the right knowledge and mindset.
As mentioned in our introduction, in our previous article we did cover the subject of assertiveness. You may certainly use this as your source for your personal development journey. However, we also highly recommend you look at other sources as well. Every source has its own writing style and its own way to motivate their audience. And quite possibly, you may find a source that speaks to you more. If that is the case, we are happy to hear that you have found a voice to listen to.
2. Clearly state what you think, how you feel, and what you want
We could not have made the second point any clearer. See, none of us are mind-readers. The thoughts inside your mind can never be known by someone else and should not be assumed to be. Unless you have successfully expressed them, either verbally or non-verbally, other people simply will not be able to know and understand what you are thinking.
It is imperative that you are clear in your message, and to know what you want to convey, it is even more important to fully understand what you believe or want yourself. You will not only learn to speak your mind, but the people whom you communicate with will also be able to get to know you better as a person. The latter allows you to position yourself as an individual, and aids in building deeper and meaningful relationship.
See, when we don’t speak up, the people whom you interact with will never be able to know and understand you. Certainly, there is a degree of vulnerability that comes with opening-up. However, the quality of any relationship depends on a two-way street in terms of communication. Being able to make yourself vulnerable allows for a mutual understanding deeper than the superficial level that we all easily get comfortable with.
To get you on the right path, we advise you to start your statements with ‘I’, followed by a verb that indicates a personal expression (e.g. to think, to feel, to believe, to want), and ends with a clear representation of your thought. For example: “I think that reading books allow for more effective learning than listening to audiobooks.” or “I want to take the responsibility to guide the new students in their orientation in our university.”
By expressing your thoughts, you are creating opportunities for discussions, and other people will get to know you better as a person. If you go to the Academic Coordinator of your university, and you bring the latter statement to his/her attention, not taking into account your personal motivation behind it, don’t you think that you position yourself as someone proactive and helpful in front of the academic staff? Besides, instead of waiting for the opportunity to arise, you are now the one creating opportunities for yourself. Even if the opportunity is not there, you surely have taken a solid position in front of other people.
3. Understand that it is alright to agree to disagree
As an individual, you have your own thoughts, feelings, and wants. As mentioned in our earlier paragraph, expressing your thoughts create opportunities for discussions. When you start interacting with other people, you will come to learn and discover their thoughts, feelings, and wants.
Since everyone is entitled to have opinions of their own, opinions between you and everyone else may or may not be the same. If you encounter the latter, don’t worry. This is perfectly fine. You won’t have to change your own opinions to agree with someone else’s in the hopes that you come to a mutual agreement. In fact, learn to agree to disagree.
It is important to remain respectful towards one another. Listen to their viewpoints, and at least give an effort to understand them better. Even if, at the end of the day, you stand by your opinion, you are perfectly in your right to do so. Staying grounded to your own opinion will position you as an individual and will give you a boost in your self-confidence.
4. Become the self-confident person you have always wanted to be
Confidence is a subject that deserves its own article. When you think of confidence, what is it that you think of? Do you think of a person? Do you think of a certain position in a company? Do you think that the display of a certain behaviour or owning a particular tangible item makes you more confident?
Let me ask you this, name one person who you look up to? This can be anyone. Whether this person is fictional or non-fictional, name one for yourself. You have someone in mind? Great! Now think about why that person in your mind is someone you look up to? Is it the way that they dress? Is it the things that they own? Is it perhaps the way that they are or do things? Can’t figure it out? Don’t worry, self-confidence is a mindset that comes from within you. It is something intangible.
When it comes to confidence, and especially self-confidence, it is all about believing in your own ability to do things. See, we are not encouraging you to go tightrope walking over the Grand Canyon equipped with just a long pole and the courage of a lion. That would simply be unhealthy. Besides, if you are reading this, we guarantee we would question your ability to do so. No, we are not talking about the confidence in your technical ability. We are talking about your intrapersonal confidence.
Your intrapersonal self-confidence envelops your ability that would require you to master your own mindset. It is about knowing your own capabilities, your potential, and your courage to take up new challenges. A perfect example to illustrate this would be related to your own health and wellbeing.
If you desire to work on your physical wellbeing, exercise and going to the gym should be a part of your lifestyle. We hope that by now you all know that one workout in the gym does not result in more muscle. Working out frequently and consistently, however, does help you develop more muscle. Yet, what is required from you to do these frequent and consistent workouts, is discipline.
See, discipline is not something technical, like fixing a car engine. Finding the energy and motivation to do your workouts is all about your mindset. Don’t just say that you can’t do it, because it seems hard. Say you can do it, BECAUSE it seems hard. Muster your courage to overcome your mental obstacle.
Once you have passed your mental obstacle, you will see that it is really not as bad as it seems, if you believe in yourself. The more you overcome your mental obstacles, the more points you score in your self-confidence. Eventually, this will benefit your ability to become more assertive, because you believe in yourself that you can overcome another mental obstacle in your life.
5. Learn the art of curiosity to learn something new, and master it
The more you know about a certain subject, the more you can understand it, and the higher quality input you can provide in your conversations. We would not expect you to know everything, however superficial, but we would advise to dig deeper in a select number of subjects that you are genuinely interested in or are frequently exposed to in your personal or professional environment.
Instead of focusing on too many subjects, you will be able to narrow your focus, and have more time and energy to really understand your subjects better, beyond that on the superficial level. It is a good personal characteristic to expand your knowledge. This will not only aid in higher quality conversations, but it also shapes you as a person. Your view on the world around you get shaped differently, and your own thoughts and opinions change as your mindset changes.
6. Obtain the aura of positivity
Positivity is an attractive trait. Maintaining a positive mindset and outlook on life will allow you to handle obstacles, challenges, and negativity in a better light. As negativity is self-destructive, this is one trait that you want to avoid at all costs. It is completely understandable that we, as beings of emotion, are subject to both all forms of emotion. From Anger to happiness, and from positivity to negativity.
It is undeniable that we will all experience different kinds of emotions in our lives. Embracing each emotion from the moment that you experience, is a helpful way to better understand your emotion, and yourself. Though emotions can be embraced, it should never overpower you in your control. Understanding your emotions is the first step in managing them.
Does this mean that you should be hunting for negative emotions, and surround yourself by anger? Absolutely not! Let your development be a natural one. Instead, surround yourself with positivity. Not only will you benefit from the contagiousness of it, but it will help you control your own emotions, and deal with obstacles, benefits, and disappointments in a better light.
7. Get yourself organised
When your mind is occupied with too many thoughts, when you own too many things, and when your living space is all too messy, bringing some organisation in your life will help you to clear up your mind. Bringing back a good overview of your business, whether it is in your head, your file cabinet, or your living room, will reduce your stress-levels. Less stress means less things to worry about.
Additionally, knowing where you are in your life is a prerequisite for knowing where you want to go. It will help you to narrow your focus, and determine where your priorities ned to go. Your personal resources are limited. Your time, your energy, your mental focus, are available to you in limited amounts. There are only 24 hours in a day, and you cannot run a marathon on an empty stomach.
So, start cleaning your room, get rid of the things that you don’t need in your life, and give everything in your place its own space. Find out where you stand in your life, and decide where you want to go. Map out your own path, and we will see each other when you get there.
8. Start saving your money
If this is the first time you hear about this tip, and you probably are, it may not make sense to you in its relation to your assertiveness. But think about it. Whether we want it or not, money definitely plays an important role in our lives. “But money doesn’t make me happy…” And we agree, money does not. Unless you are Uncle Scrooge, money does not make you happy. But the things that money enables you to do, does bring value, to a certain degree, to your life.
Sure, if you have enough money, you can finally buy that luxury car you have always wanted. You can even use it to purchase that 100-inch, 8K television with built-in refrigerator and cupholder that impressed you at that recent technology fair that you visited. Though we personally would not advise these things to be on your money-spending bucket list, there are certain things that would definitely be higher up in your priorities.
Having a sufficient amount of financial resources, especially when it serves as your backup, creates a piece of mind for yourself. In the case of an unfortunate and unforeseen situation, whether it is a medical emergency or a temporary economic recession, you will be able to secure your own financial position and wellbeing. As we mentioned before, money does play an important role in our lives.
Once you start realising the importance of money, and you have decided to start building up your own financial safety net, you will understand that focusing on your priorities makes a bigger impact in your life than focusing on matters that are less prioritised.
9. Start with small wins
If you want to achieve something great, you will need to be grateful for the smaller achievements. Building a house starts with laying a single brick. Winning the tennis match starts with the victory of a single point.
If you want to become more assertive, start with speaking your mind. Try it once. Try it twice. Try it so many times until you feel comfortable with expressing your thoughts. Do you think that you would ever reach that point if you haven’t tried speaking your mind the very first time that you did? When you managed to push through your very first mental obstacle, your challenge, you made your very first step and victory on your way to assertiveness.
You can’t become assertive just by flicking a switch in your mind and start thinking that you are assertive. That’s not how personal development or growth works. You don’t think that tree in your back yard got to be that tall without starting as a seedling, did you? Just by nurturing a plant with everything that it needs to grow, so do you require the smaller wins if you want to grow in your own development.
10. Realise that those who genuinely care about you will stay
This tip is one that may even be the most important within this entire list. We surround ourselves with so many people, building varying levels of relationships, that we sometimes forget one important thing. Our time and energy are both limited and valuable. Spending our resources for meaningless relationships and ingenuine people is a lost cause.
Once you start developing your assertiveness, you will probably lose several or even a multitude of relationships. Ones which you may have valued in the past. That leaves you with what? Exactly, those who genuinely value you as a person and genuinely care about you.
The way that you value yourself is more important than the way that your value is determined by the number of meaningful and meaningless relationships with other people. You are an individual, and it is your very right to have your own place in the world, and we believe that everyone deserves that. You are what matters.
Sources:
- Mind Tools – How to Be Assertive: Asking for What Yo Want Firmly and Fairly
- Mind For Life – A Nice Person’s Guide To Becoming More Assertive
- Psychology Today – Assertiveness
- SkillsYouNeed – Assertiveness: An Introduction
- Mind For Life – The Top Benefits and Practical Ways to Build Self Confidence
- Inc. – 7 Powerful Habits That Make You More Assertive