Let’s all be honest here. You and I, and every single person in this world, including you astronauts out there in space, we are all individuals. We are all unique. We may not always be aware of it, but we all have them. We are talking about our feelings, behaviours, quirks, and opinions.
When it comes to our opinions, we have them about literally everything. Though opinions are formed in our minds, we ourselves choose to express them verbally or non-verbally, and sometimes both at the same time. Though our opinions, and the verbal and non-verbal expressions of these, are often a form of judgement. These judgements are the results of what has been stored deep in our DNA over the many generations before us, our experiences from the past, and what has been taught to us by those around us.
Imagine finding yourself in the savannah, you are in the middle of getting some water for your village from the nearest water source. Suddenly, you catch a glimpse of a tiger looking at you like you’re it’s today’s brunch buffet. If, by now, you haven’t start running for safety, chances are, your poor judgement has now made this your worst day ever. To those who did manage to escape, may we congratulate you on the possibility for successful future generations.
However, without any further distractions, as individuals we all have the choice to express our opinions, our feelings, and our desires. And this choice is a lot more important than you might realise. We all have a choice. You have them, I have them, even the astronaut on the International Space Station has them. But, when it comes to being assertive, understanding that you have the choice and that it is your absolute right to express your opinions, feelings, and desires, is imperative for your development as a person, and for positioning yourself as an individual in society.
Before we go any deeper down the rabbit hole, let’s take a step back and allow ourselves to get a grasp on some essential subjects.
What is assertiveness?
According to Psychology Today (n.d.), assertiveness is the ability to express your own opinion, feelings, and desires, though in a clear and respectful manner, to other people to primarily show care for yourself. “But does this not look very selfish? And is selfishness not a bad thing to do?” Well, when it comes to being assertive, we think that selfishness is undeniably there.
When it comes to selfishness, Psychology Today (n.d.) discussed that it is all about the self with little to no care about other people. Your own personal wellbeing or gain stands above everything. If you ask if selfishness is a bad thing, you can debate until your mouth feels like the Sahara Desert, but we believe that selfishness is good to a certain extent.
The ability to be selfish is acceptable when it comes to prioritising yourself, and understanding that your own wellbeing is important. However, taking selfishness to the level where you completely disregard the consideration for other people is when selfishness gets its negative reputation.
This is where assertiveness steps in and gains its value for one’s individuality.
What happens when people are not assertive?
The truth is, with everyone’s individuality, it is nearly impossible for your opinions, feelings, and desires to be in line with everyone else’s. It is unavoidable to have differing viewpoints. There is a good possibility that you will encounter disagreement or even conflict.
The fear of conflict drives a person to adapt a conflict-avoiding behaviour, and often at a highly valuable cost. Robert Bolton wrote a book called ‘People Skills’, where the price of this will come at losing oneself through individuality and, eventually, self-respect. These people will become the nicest people that you probably will ever meet.
To avoid conflict, non-assertive people develop a high sense of agreeability and likeability, and develop a phenomenon called “niceness”. Mind For Life (2020) indicates that, in turn, these “nice” people measure their success to the number of people who like them, whether the relationship is superficial or on a deeper level. The latter is what holds people back from expressing their own opinions, feelings, and desires.
How is being “nice” not necessarily a good thing when it is supposed to be a positive behaviour?
See, being nice is absolutely a positive behaviour. However, depending on the extent to which this behaviour is exercised determines the positivity of it. As mentioned earlier, when niceness is developed to the positive extreme end on the niceness continuum, non-assertive people develop a high sense of agreeability and likeability. They want to do whatever it takes to avoid conflict and be liked, as their number of likeable relationships has become their measure of success. However, in this situation, these people lose their self-respect. As a matter of fact, they de have their own opinions, but to avoid conflict, they choose not to rock the boat, and just agree with whichever situation they find themselves in.
On the negative extreme side of the niceness continuum, you have people who are not nice at all. These are the people you probably do not want to associate yourself with. However, you may have respect for the fact that they really express their opinion, so much so that they are not being liked for it.
As with everything in this world, there should be balance. The balance is right there in the middle of the continuum, where you do not lose yourself in being liked by other people, yet not that far to the other extreme where you are a jerk. The place to be is right there in the middle. The place where you are nice, but can still speak your mind on what you want to care for yourself.
What is the importance of assertiveness in our lives?
Once you start to become more assertive, there are several developments you will undergo, which are:
- Increase in self-respect;
- The ability to say ‘No’;
- The ability to say what you want;
- The ability to be respectful in your communication;
- The ability to create win-win situations.
According to SkillsYouNeed (n.d.), by becoming more assertive, you are actively looking after your own wellbeing whilst considering the wellbeing of other people. You value yourself and your own worth more than the absolute number of superficial and deep friendships that you have with other people. Mind For Life (2020) indicates that your overall confidence will go up, and you will finally gain the ability to say ‘No’ to others, not because you are a jerk, but because you allow yourself to put yourself first. You will be more confident to speak your mind, without having to worry about what other people think of you.
Once you have learned to respect yourself, you will also learn how to respect other people. Not only for the unique individuals that they are, but also for their opinions and believes. This will show in the way that you will be able to communicate, both verbally and non-verbally. And should you find yourself in disagreement, you will be perfectly comfortable with accepting differing opinions, and, according to Mind Tools (n.d), come up with win-win solutions that benefit all parties.
If there is one thing that we want you to realise, it would be this: If the sound of losing (some) friendships and relationships seems frightening to you by becoming assertive, looking after yourself, and disappointing other people, do remember that those who genuinely want to be your friend for who you are, will stay no matter what. They will appreciate you and respect you for who you are even more. Those who have decided to leave you, let them be. They would not care for your happiness in the first place. In the end, you will end up with the meaningful and truly valuable friendships and relationships you have always wanted in the first place.
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